I recently posted this on Facebook:

You’re at a local convenience store and glance at guy who walks through the store checking it out. He glances back.

Moments later, as you pick up your item from a shelf, you hear behind you, “What the $#% are you looking at?!” The man is standing about 15 feet away, wearing a heavy parka with the hood up. His hands are at his sides. He is seriously angry.

What would you do?

Here are some of the responses:

Being aware of slowly back weighting my stance, then, I might say “are you looking at me?” “Are you looking at me?”

Try to act super calm and casual and say something like “Oh, I thought that bread (or whatever) over there was supposed to be on sale.” Then try to leave carefully asap, and hopefully in a small crowd or group of other ppl.

Well interestingly I’ve discovered that I might react differently depending on many more and subtle cues than I can get from the above picture. I might ask him gently and quietly, “Are you OK?”

I was asked for my comments, to which I stated that this incident actually happened to me and that I would write about it.

This happened many years ago when I was in my 40s and training regularly. I entered the convenience store just behind a guy wearing a heavy parka (in May). The cash counter was immediately inside the doors and there was another exit on the other side. The man walked past the counter and out that other door, while turning and looking back.

I happened to be watching him at that moment as I thought it was odd that he merely walked in one door and out the other.

I walked to the back of the store to pick up some milk. As I picked up the carton I heard, “What the $%# are you looking at?!” I turned and was confronted with this clearly angry young man. It was a moment frozen in time.

He was standing about 15 feet away with his hands at his sides. Every sense in me said that this was a very bad situation and that I needed to bring down the intensity. I assumed he was armed underneath that parka, and I only felt the need for de-escalating this moment.

So I apologized.

I said, in as friendly a tone as I could, “Oh, sorry man. I’m just here grabbing some milk and was looking around for the fridge.”

He stood there and glared at me, and I did not move. So he turned to leave muttering, “I’ll kick your ass!” and walked towards the exit. I waited to be sure he’d left the store before I walked to the counter to pay for the milk. The guy at the counter was completely oblivious to this incident.

I left the store and walked quickly home. In my memory, I had my head turned to look behind me the entire way home! As I walked, I started to shake with the anxiety of that moment playing over in my mind and body. No doubt it was partially adrenaline, fear, anticipation of violence, etc. I don’t recall any of those things being present during the confrontation. It was only afterwards that I felt them.

I learned a lot from that moment. The most important lesson was one that I’ve since confirmed with those who know about real-life situations. You don’t know how you’ll react or what you’ll do until you’re actually faced with a threat. One’s reactions are spontaneous and immediate. There is almost no time to think about strategy, tactics, etc. There is only the instinct for survival and the response it generates.

I later asked a friend who was a police trainer if I had done the right thing. He said absolutely yes! De-escalation is the best possible resolution if one can find a way to manage it. I did, but I also know I was lucky in that the guy could’ve reacted differently to me.

I most grateful to be able to relate this story all these years later. I have never forgotten the lessons learned. The most important of which is to acknowledge the reality of reality.

It is not the same as one’s notions of what “I would do” in a given confrontation. The fact is, I don’t know.